It’s been a while.
I don’t treat this blog like how I should – it’s, at this point, only a personal diary that is public to whomever choses to read it, but I originally made it as an impetus to write more.
An impetus that I’ve been ignoring? Yes, sometimes. Mostly, I’ve just been too busy to write my feelings down – but I must have downtime right now if I can write this.
Wrong, but regardless. I’m here.
Happy 2017! I haven’t written on here since then, which is weird to say. It’s already been a month and a half of living in the new year and really it’s just been a massive headache. I’m not going to talk about politics – because truly fuck politics, I’ve been hearing way too much about how the president of the free world is an apathetic three-year-old fuckass and it’s important to stay aware, but my sanity is slipping away by the minute with every new news story. Just know that the hope that 2017 would be better than 2016 is slowly flitting away, like leaves in the wind.
Plus, Beyoncé lost to Adele. 2017 has been shit.
This year is all about change for me. I graduate high school this year. My mother graduates college. I start college. I move away from home. My parents might move away from Miami. Everything I know and love from my childhood won’t be at the reach of my fingertips. I embark on a new educational journey in my life. I start my career path to acting.
I’m fucking scared.
The past 18 years have been safe. I always had mom and dad. I always had the safety of my home. I always had food on the table. I always had money for books I needed. I always had the warm sun on my back. I always had the comfort of friends by my side in class. I always had the social constraints of high school, where you had to make friends in your class because you see them everywhere, in class, in the hallways, on the train. I always had the comfort of my room, my own space, my own bed (not that I anticipate sharing a bed with anyone, but)
This year is different. This year is about moving on, and while that makes me excited, it also makes me extremely apprehensive and, honestly, sad. I’m sad. I’m going to miss my room, and my friends, and my house, and my school, and the weather, and the comfort of knowing exactly who I am and where I am, and even the goddamn bus I take every afternoon. I’m going to miss routine – knowing exactly how to do things after so intricately practiced for 16 years.
I’m going to miss Miami – the beautiful city that I always loved. A city filled with so much culture and fire, a city that welcomed my parents with open arms 23 years ago. I’m going to miss Kendall, the hellish suburb I have inhabited for most of my life. I’m going to miss the palm trees that line the 104, the Publix right next to the Little Caesars we used to buy from after my soccer games. I’m going to miss my neighborhood, the rows of houses that always have messy yards and chipped paint. I’m going to miss walking my dog around his familiar path, knowing exactly when he’s gonna squat and do the do.
I’m going to miss my house. I’m going to miss the failing air conditioning system and the dirty tile floors and the stupid creaky floorboard right outside my bedroom. I’m going to miss my room, my living room, even my bathroom, which honestly was never a good bathroom (honestly the shower fucking sucks), but always nice to sit and have a good cry. To quote a song my best friend has been slaying at every one of her auditions: “This is my house, and it isn’t much but it is enough for me.”
I’m going to miss my pets – my beautiful dog and cats, an incredible source of comfort (even though Luna stays hating me). I’m going to miss my mom and my dad and I cannot even begin unpacking my emotions for them because I honestly won’t finish this – I could write a twenty page paper just about how much I love them.
I already miss my sisters – but I’m going to miss them coming home back to me. Because next year, I’ll be doing the same thing.
I’m going to miss my friends. I’m going to miss their constant love and support and the laughs that we have and the moments that we share. Someone once told me that friends are momentary, and I hope that’s not true. I hope I get to keep the friends I have right now forever.
(I hope I can make new friends who are half as good as mine now.)
I’m going to miss everything about the life I live right now. And I don’t know if anything will really change drastically, because maybe I am being a little dramatic, but I know things won’t be the same.
And I’m exited! And nervous. And scared. And sad.
And that’s okay – because I always find a way to push through with change.
“Time may change me, but I can’t trace time.”