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“You and I play this really weird game – and we’ve played this really weird game for years.

“I don’t know why we play this game; I’ve never thought it was fun, and I know myself and I know that in any normal situation I won’t play a game for longer than it amuses me.

“So why am I still playing this game?

“You’re amazing. I don’t know why I think you’re amazing because I can think of fourteen reasons off the top of my head of why you’re actually not that great of a person, but despite that… I still think you’re great – and great is really an understatement for how I feel about you.

“When we started doing this thing, I knew it was a mistake – and maybe I’m being too serious about it because really we haven’t done a lot, but now… when I look at you I feel care… and not the same kind of care that I feel when I pet my dog or I kiss my mom goodnight. It’s not even that kind of care that I think people in love feel because I don’t think I’m in love with you, I just care about you, and it’s such a weird feeling to feel because I’ve never cared about someone the way I care about you; and I know I’m not in love because if I was in love, I feel like it would consume me and eat me up. I’ve been in love before. I know what that feels like because… because I’ve – 

“I think about you from before and I think about you now and all I can feel is how proud I am of you, and how I hope you’ll be okay, and how lovely I hope the person you’re going to fall in love with is, and how I wish I could be there for you for the next stage of your life…

“But…

“I know that I won’t be. And I know that it’s good that I won’t be because friendships are fleeting and what we have is fleeting – and maybe I think there’s something that we have that we don’t really have but it’s always been you and me. Me and you.

“And hey maybe – maybe I’ve always wanted something more, and I know I’m not gonna get it because there’s no point in getting it now – but maybe in an alternate universe everything worked out from the beginning, and it was you and me and me and you. Not you and me, and you and someone else, and me and someone else, and me and someone else, and you and someone else, and you with a lot of someone elses, and then you and me.

“Maybe it was always just you and me and I’ve just been seeing these other people that never really were important

“But now you’re important to me, and now when we do things together I feel like I put a lot of importance in them. I don’t know if you feel the same way because even though it’s always been you and me, and I’ve always told you everything that I could tell you – y’know, sometimes… it’s just hard to talk to you.

“I care about you – and you care about me, that’s for sure. So next time we do something together, I’ll try to put all that aside and just… be there. Present. In the moment; because you know I have a hard time with that.

“Thanks for being patient. I appreciate it.”

One thought on “10. on moving on

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